It’s right over there, about five feet from me. It’s also online, a really easy Web search away. It’s called the Voice Over Resource Guide. I’m not getting up and getting it. I’m not searching for it. I’m sitting. Idling. Thinking about it, thinking about what’s in it, but not cracking it open.

As long as I don’t I’m hampered for looking up a producer for my demo. As long as I don’t I’m putting off looking for a producer. As long as I don’t have one I don’t have a demo. As long as I don’t have a demo I don’t progress into looking for VO gigs or agents. As long as I don’t take up this step I don’t face that I’m really doing this, billing myself a voice over pro swallowing any embarrassment and taking ownership of where I want my livelihood to come from. As long as I dodge responsibility I don’t have to be scared of the things I can or can’t do.

Just looking at it, just thinking about the Guide is making things a bit shaky deep inside.  Contemplating actually calling a producer…  I put off calling new people just because – it’s halfway habit and halfway nerves.  Add to those faint nerves the anxiety of convincing myself that it’s not laughable to call a producer, introduce myself as an actor getting into voice over, and ask for a conversation regarding potential collaboration.

Writing entries like this is like searching for a magic spell inside of me.  To date I’ve never found one.  The only magic to doing a thing is just doing it.  And just breathing through the anxiety attack that comes after.  At the very least I’ve earned the perspective that tells me panic is momentary.  Panic tries to give me the illusion that my whole world is shallow breathing, a quavering heart, recursive thoughts that chase their tails….  With perspective I’ve earned the lesson that my brain doesn’t always know what the hell it’s talking about.

I’m scared half to death and yet here I am writing (very slowly, trust me), ready to show off my anxieties and put my weakness on display.  It’s a bit contradictory, I know.  But full weeks have now passed where the first item on the to-do list has been “look up producers.”  I’ve been really sick of it.  It may be time to jump.  It’s not like anything bad will happen.