I don’t know if I’ve ever read how angry depression can make a person. I know when I was younger, maybe a dozen years ago, and working full time I could feel my rage build up inside me until I was utterly useless at my desk. All of my energy was spent hiding how much I wanted to set everything on fire and/or throw it out the window. I wasn’t violent by any means but I had to excuse myself from conversations lest I would whip around and start screaming in people’s faces about how stupid they were, how the things they talked about were so insanely petty, how everything was bullshit…. Let’s just say it’s good that I don’t work there any more and most of that vague, pointless fury has quieted down to ennui. I may not be able to hide how boring I find most the world, but it’s better than breathing fire on unsuspecting coworkers.
A lot of that anger was really something that I inspired against myself. I hated my life and everything I was doing with it. And today I still prickle with vexation at myself and what I’ve done so far, but I aim a lot of the anger squarely at my depression. Because in recent history nothing has made me lose so much ground and so much time from my life as the lethargy and misery of depression.
I get angry at every day I feel myself lose motivation, every hour I spend napping when I wasn’t really tired, every minute I hang in indecision because I can’t get up any drive to just pick a direction.
And I get angry at the time spent too angry to move.
Maybe vague but potent anger feels better than vague, sucking grief. I don’t know. It blots out suicidal thoughts and gives me energy… for a time. It takes more energy though. When it’s burned out I’m back to miserable.
No one talks about this. I don’t know why. Maybe people judge anger even worse than being sad all the time.